A Brief Guide to House-Hunting (Written By A Total Novice)

This upcoming school year's the first time in ever that I'm living at a place of my own, like not at my folks' (sup ladies) and not in downtown housing that's owned at least in part by the school.  That being said, we've got a month 'til school and still no place to live.  Yikes.  To better prevent you from being me (only room for one, son), here's a quick little grouping of pointers to

House-Hunting In Chicago And What I've Learned Thus Far

So yeah, some of these will be a little... specific.

Section 1: If You Don't Have "A Guy"

1. Get "A Guy"

Seriously.  I know, some (read: many of) realtors are annoying wannabe sharks with really shady practices (that's why we do research, sweetheart).  A similar rule applies for the relationship between writers and publishers: yes, many of the latter (well... the former too) suck donkey balls, but it's better to have one than to... well... not.  Otherwise, you're pretty much stuck trolling Craigslist, bringing me to my second pointer...

2. Yes, Craigslist Is Still Shady

I've had several realtors

"realtors"

bail on me - sometimes as the same day as the showing's I've set up, some have asked for some really unnecessary information (if anyone asks for your account number, run far and long in the exact opposite direction), others have straight-up lied about some pretty crucial information.

"Well um...  'Cozy' isn't exactly the word I'd use, but..."

Shady it may be, Craigslist also has a lot of great shit and I've known several people who've had success finding houses on there.  Just saying, there's no Scumbag Evaluation Form you have to fill out before throwing shit up there, so:

3. Know How To Spot The Scumbags

I already mentioned that some of these jokers ask for a little too much information.  If you're filling out an application and you feel at all uncomfortable when coming up to a certain field, just leave it blank (if it's not required) or ask why this information is necessary (if they claim it is).  I haven't had to do the latter yet, but it can't hurt.

I honestly thought I had more for this one, but it really just boils down to not throwing your personal information around like a jackass.

4. Look At Everything

It's really easy to write off any given location just by looking at an ad.  "What do these Nazis have against two-hundred-pound Mastiff-Malamutes???@!!"  "How is the gas not included with the water.  What.  Do they even understand my needs."  Just relax and set up a showing, okay?  They don't cost anything.  If you don't like it, if you really find you can't stand the sight of those substrate cabinets, then don't buy the damn thing.  Keep looking.  There's a lot more fish in the sea than you think.

5. Don't trust them new ni-

NO DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM

Section 2: If You Do Have "A Guy"

1. Don't Depend On Them

I know what I said, dammit.  As much as I ribbed on Craigslist up there, there are just as many shadesters that don't use Craigslist as their advertising go-to.  Unless you're obscenely rich (in which case, what are you doing not walking up to a building and buying it on the spot?), you do not have them in your pocket (another way of saying they're wrapped around your finger).  They still have the freedom to try to screw you, they're still trying to make a buck off you.  This isn't me trying to say "don't trust realtors".  Just...  Hell, what am I saying?  I dunno, tread lightly.  And carry a big stick.  Or something.

2. DON'T WAIT

Seriously.  This was my biggest mistake, and it's also one of the biggest tip-offs that your "guy" is as big of or greater a scumbag as/than (what is going on with this sentence's structure?) whoever you find on Craigslist.  In the beginning of my hunt for a place to live, I had a "guy", a family friend.  I'm not going to give out any names, not even of the company or their affiliates, cuz I could get into some serious defamation shit.  And I don't need that.  But right off the bat, my "guy" told me to wait until July 1st to start looking for apartments opening September 1st, cuz they wouldn't know what would be open until... I don't know either.  Now that I'm actually typing this bullshit out, I'm realizing how much of a rube I was for falling for it.

Point is, they're just trying to get you to rely on them to find you apartments.  Soon as you know that you need a place, start looking.

3. If They Ignore Your Specs, Fuck 'Em

And I don't mean fuck your specifications.  You know what kind of place you need to move into.  Don't settle for a two-bedroom if you have three roommates, don't settle for the deep south side when you specifically said "somewhere with nightlife".  If you can't tell that they put conscious effort into meeting your specifications, move on and find a different guy.  They have places to sell, and they're just trying to pawn them off on you.  They'll just keep throwing shit at you until you crack if you don't try a new angle.

An example: When I'd first started house-hunting, I told my guy (the one I'd mentioned before) what I needed: somewhere from 1500 to 2400, close to the train, out of the Loop, three bedrooms for three roommates.  I wait (stupidly), like he tells me.  Calls me back, and with what?  A bunch of two-bedroomers in the Loop (where property's doubly expensive).  I told the guy the most polite version of "go fuck yourself" that I could come up with.

...And then, bafflingly, gave him a second chance, leading me to thus:

4. Make Sure It's Actually In Lakeview

Lakeview's very popular these days, and for good reason.  It's gorgeous, there're El stops everywhere you turn, there's nightlife, and the beach is like, a fifteen-minute walk away at most.  Then there's Lakeview's funny-smelling high-school-dropout cousins.  Brief note: just because it's within a mile of Lakeshore Drive, doesn't make it "Lakeview".  If found this out after my first "guy" showed me a place in "Lakeview".  It was not Lakeview.  It was some weird stretch of sad-looking neighborhood between Lakeview and... I don't know, somewhere else.  I mean, yeah it kind of looks like Lakeview... if the Darkness from Silent Hill got to it.  A third of the buildings were abandoned, and I'm not just talking storefronts - I mean like schools and high-rises and what may have been a prison.  The park's full of shadesters, the local economy's based around liquor stores, there's jack in nightlife unless you count shooting up behind a dumpster with some of the area's more colorful persons, the in-unit laundry in the place looked like it had seen multiple stabbings, it's nearly a mile from any sort of train (somehow)...

But one last, more serious point:

5. Don't Be Afraid To Hound Your Realtor

Realtors aren't fantastic at getting back to you.  And I know, they're finding you a place - what right do you have to get on their case?

Well... every right, really.  Don't let them jerk you around.  I mean... don't call them screaming and threatening to take your business elsewhere either.  Cuz that totally won't land you a place.  And you're being a dick.  But it's their job, so... uh... I had an ending here... well, make 'em do it.

Okay, I've been working on this for like three hours and I feel like doing something else with my life now.  Kthxbye.