Post About the VMAs (a.k.a. I Have No Pride)

'Bout that time again!  Yes, that time where I chain myself to a keyboard for a couple hours, subject you to a page or so of self-loathing and uninformed observations, all in the name of telling myself I'm a productive person.

...Hm.  Bummer note, eh?  Here's an absurdly happy dog.

I've been hearing a lot about these VMAs.  Like... Vehicle for Mediocre Antics or something, right?

Okay, so "ironic" humor's not my thing.  Yes, I know what the stupid freaking VMAs are.  I don't pay attention to them.  I pay them less attention than I do the Grammys.  That's not because I hate America or Miley Cyrus or "the mainstream" or just watching celebrities for a few hours.  It's fun, entertaining, mostly harmless.  Watching and enjoying shows like these isn't something to be criticized.

I just don't watch them because, well... what's a more intelligent way of saying "I don't wanna"?

There's some entertaining bits between awards.  Some of the winners deserve it, some of them don't.  There's flubs, gaffs, the magical antics of Kanye West, we get the drill.  For a schlub like me, the bulk of the entertainment comes from the ensuing social media outflow.  It's like hitting the drains after one great big honking mother of a storm; all kinds of crap washes out there, and some of it's actually pretty great.

For this week's post (or... one of them; maybe one of these days I'll actually get back to writing more than once a day), I've painstakingly collated data from various public channels into a set of uh...  Oh fer Christ, this is based entirely off my Facebook feed, okay?  It's a damn humor blog, kind of.  If you don't like it, there's the New Yorker.

5 Things To Expect From the Next VMAs

1. Lady Gaga will wear a dress made of live parrots.

I know, overdone.  But I'd really like to see this.  Was there even a thing about Lady Gaga at the Veemas this year?  Or was she out-crazied?

Assuming it still counts as crazy if it's totally pre-planned and inauthentic.

2. Someone else will try to pull an "I'ma let you finish" and promptly get popped in the face.

Then again, I don't think there's a lot of other Kanyes-in-waiting out there with the right balance of ego and batshittery (and a dash of cajones) that would try such a thing.  It would also have to be someone clinging to the final threads of relevancy, someone with so little pride they have to pull a horrible stunt that's somehow even worse for being done before.

Your time to shine, Billie.

3. I'll make another one of these stupid posts.

Cuz I'm really having trouble coming up with five things for this damnable post.

4. A barbershop quartet bit with Chris Brown, Kobe Bryant, Lil' Wayne, and Toby Keith.

Because if there's anything the VMAs love, it's hating women.

5. New category: The Video That Could Be Most Improved By Cameos From The Cast Of Jersey Shore

I don't actually know if the VMAs have categories.  That's how little I know about what I'm writing about.  But god damn it you know this should be a thing.  In the VMAs.  But like only the VMAs.  Please.

...

Well, that's enough phoning it in for one day.  Tune in next time for uh... something that isn't this.

Fuck Happened to Green Day?

Sorry guys.  It had to be asked.

Exhibit A:
(not that I'm gonna keep with the theme of various "exhibits" of evidence and whatnot; I just wanted to say "Exhibit A")

See that?  That's old Green Day.  Like Green Day from when I was a tot.  I'd chill with those motherfuckers if I could.  They'd probably still be dicks, but they'd be hilarious dicks whose pastimes include drive-by moonings and raging with chicks with tattoos and daddy-issues, things I'd gladly participate in, preferably while wasted.  Shit, mah hurr used to be the same color as Billy Joe's as of like, a year ago, looked about as dope.

Okay, so far I haven't really said much about their music.  The guys above, sure, they were your standard Nineties Sapiens, kids that looked like they dressed by jumping into a dumpster full of hand-me-downs while covered in honey.  Honey that turned their hair funny colors, for some reason.  They played the latest evolution of punk.  Nothing intrinsically special, but they did it better than most.  You could tell they had potential, as a lot of their songs had real hooks and an attitude that welcomed the alienated rather than the alienation.  Don't get me wrong, Green Day was never one of my favorites, but I've got a real soft-spot for the old stuff. Shit, Brain Stew was the first song I ever learned (on a stolen guitar on Halloween, half-naked on the back porch... and I think I just got another idea for an entry).

Well anyway, then this happened.

Is that Pete Wentz's dad and his two work buddies?

I don't even...  Really, I have no idea where to begin.  I guess first I'd have to make the obligatory "lol they're wearing guyliner" comment, but...  remembering who these guys once were, it's really not that funny.

So uh... I guess they branched out?  There's that.  Given, it was to middle-schoolers and other types of people who put their fingers in their ears and hold their breath when people start talking about how the grown-up world of politics and business and global events and economics actually works.  No, I'm not bashing all people that don't have an in-depth understanding of all those things, because, well, I fall into that category.  I'm bashing those whose uninformed (and uninformative) opinions tend to show up in modern-day Green Day lyrics.  "One twenty-one guns, lay down your arms..."  Seriously?  These guys went from the kind of dicks that'll spooge in your beer to the ones that'll drunkenly corner you into a conversation about how "legalizing pot would totally save the economy, bro" while he smokes right into your face.  Weirdly, I'd way rather deal with the first type.

I know a musician's head getting bigger as their music gets worse isn't exactly a new thing, but Green Day has one of the worst cases I've seen.  Remember that little Usher fiasco?  Yes, I get it.  Dick move on Usher's part; if you're that big of an act, you don't pull that shit on the people you share a bill with.  But then what, you... you throw a fucking tantrum?  You're over forty, dude.  And I don't wanna hear shit like "you're never too old for punk" or whatever, because that was probably the least "punk" thing I've ever seen.

Once again, I've depressed myself into not wanting to finish with any real point.

You know what?  No, fuck that.  Here, Green Day.  Here's punk.

That kid's probably never heard the word "punk" in the context we're talking.  His mother was probably casting the gentleman on the left wary looks, saying "No no, keep walking, don't ask the man why he's covered in spikes."  Now the kid knows about something new.  He can put it with a friendly face, he knows it's about finding a weird kind of solidarity in a not-so-solid world.  Not in those words of course, but he knows it's about dressing how you want and cutting your hair all goofy and doing it with your friends, and not hiding it from the world, whether they want to touch your spikes or ask why you did that to your hair.  Maybe it changed that kid's life, got some kind of gears turning.  Cuz punk's not the fucking attitude, it's not breaking instruments and giving the finger (of course, those things are all in good fun if it's not to assist your bitching) and moshing while you're covered in mud and beer.  It's the ultimate safety net for the bottom of the barrel.  You lose your job and your place and your girlfriend? Throw out the fucks, shave your head, start from the ground up.  DIY, motherfucker.  It's a world of do-what-you-need-to-do-or-don't-doesn't-matter-let's-get-drunk-and-keep-the-neighbors-up.

That's something I feel like they used to get.  And they may have moved on, but they sure as hell didn't grow up.