Post About the VMAs (a.k.a. I Have No Pride)

'Bout that time again!  Yes, that time where I chain myself to a keyboard for a couple hours, subject you to a page or so of self-loathing and uninformed observations, all in the name of telling myself I'm a productive person.

...Hm.  Bummer note, eh?  Here's an absurdly happy dog.

I've been hearing a lot about these VMAs.  Like... Vehicle for Mediocre Antics or something, right?

Okay, so "ironic" humor's not my thing.  Yes, I know what the stupid freaking VMAs are.  I don't pay attention to them.  I pay them less attention than I do the Grammys.  That's not because I hate America or Miley Cyrus or "the mainstream" or just watching celebrities for a few hours.  It's fun, entertaining, mostly harmless.  Watching and enjoying shows like these isn't something to be criticized.

I just don't watch them because, well... what's a more intelligent way of saying "I don't wanna"?

There's some entertaining bits between awards.  Some of the winners deserve it, some of them don't.  There's flubs, gaffs, the magical antics of Kanye West, we get the drill.  For a schlub like me, the bulk of the entertainment comes from the ensuing social media outflow.  It's like hitting the drains after one great big honking mother of a storm; all kinds of crap washes out there, and some of it's actually pretty great.

For this week's post (or... one of them; maybe one of these days I'll actually get back to writing more than once a day), I've painstakingly collated data from various public channels into a set of uh...  Oh fer Christ, this is based entirely off my Facebook feed, okay?  It's a damn humor blog, kind of.  If you don't like it, there's the New Yorker.

5 Things To Expect From the Next VMAs

1. Lady Gaga will wear a dress made of live parrots.

I know, overdone.  But I'd really like to see this.  Was there even a thing about Lady Gaga at the Veemas this year?  Or was she out-crazied?

Assuming it still counts as crazy if it's totally pre-planned and inauthentic.

2. Someone else will try to pull an "I'ma let you finish" and promptly get popped in the face.

Then again, I don't think there's a lot of other Kanyes-in-waiting out there with the right balance of ego and batshittery (and a dash of cajones) that would try such a thing.  It would also have to be someone clinging to the final threads of relevancy, someone with so little pride they have to pull a horrible stunt that's somehow even worse for being done before.

Your time to shine, Billie.

3. I'll make another one of these stupid posts.

Cuz I'm really having trouble coming up with five things for this damnable post.

4. A barbershop quartet bit with Chris Brown, Kobe Bryant, Lil' Wayne, and Toby Keith.

Because if there's anything the VMAs love, it's hating women.

5. New category: The Video That Could Be Most Improved By Cameos From The Cast Of Jersey Shore

I don't actually know if the VMAs have categories.  That's how little I know about what I'm writing about.  But god damn it you know this should be a thing.  In the VMAs.  But like only the VMAs.  Please.

...

Well, that's enough phoning it in for one day.  Tune in next time for uh... something that isn't this.

Identity Crising Hard Here, Folks. Crising = A New Word I Invented.

I gots a problem, folks.  I got a conundrum in my head.

I'm not sure if I'm a real 90's kid.

Please, please!  I assure you, this doesn't do anything to mar my credibility as a 90's-music enthusiast/blogger-dude!  So I implore you, before you go out and burn all your Thomas Gumbel paraphernalia, please... hear me out.

That's what all you birthers are on about, right?

I love 90's shit to death, as you know.  90's music?  Well... obvi.  Cartoon Cartoons?  Oh my bloody fuck yes.  90's games?  Please, please just stop.  90's movies, such as sci-fi epic The Matrix?  I SAID STOP IT, DAMMIT.

Here's that shit I don't like: all the goddamned "Herp derp if you were a nineties kid you'll totes remember this but if not you like Nicki Minaj and Lil' Wayne and hurr durr durr" posts.  That's a very long descriptor.  I know.  But goddamn it, if you have a Facebook, you know I'm right.

To all you who make those posts and just won't stop: I get it.  Nineties were awesome, nineties were different, nineties produced an arguably (VERY arguably) more well-balanced generation of kids than this generation has so far.

Also to them peoples, I posit to you: how much of the 90's do you actually remember?  I mean yeah, I remember all the toys and the existence of the shows and stuff, but I sure as fuck wasn't a conscious enough human being to put it together into one cohesive decade of experience.  Part of that's because I didn't experience the whole damn nineties.  I was born two whole years before Kurt Cobain ate gunsmoke.  Shit, I was eight when Y2K didn't happen.  I mean like, the computery business and the nuke-launching, not the turn of the century.  Cuz that like, totally happened.

Hardy har har.  I'll have you know I moved out from there several months ago.

Get it?  Cuz I was living under...  Oh forget it.

Anyways, I'll tell ya right now, the oldest person I saw post one of those things, since they were "the thing" to post, is maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe mAyBe maybe m.a.y.b.e maayyyybbeeeeee maybemaybemaybe MAYBE ah say MAYBE twenty-four now.  That's compared to my current twenty-one.  I was born in 1992, so yeah, the oldest person I see screaming in everyone's faces, "REMEMBER THE NINETIES, GUIZE??!!" was born in 1988.  That's... okay, I guess that's fine.  You were well on your way out of middle school when you were holed up in your basement with crates of Twinkies, canned soup and bottled water, your dad guarding the door with a double-barrel.  I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up a bit.  What's tha- What do you mean "just you"?!  I...  Okay, whatever, quirky family get-togethers notwithstanding, you see what I mean?  Everyone that actually remembers the nineties, those who lived and breathed that particular zeitgeist, who actually had ups and downs during that period beyond 'ow I scraped my knee' and 'wah I can't find my Happy Meal toy' - I had a way to end this sentence.  Something about them not doing that.  Well.

Hey, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.  Okay, here, to make you feel better:

We sure as fuck ain't this generation.

...Criminy, I'm sorry.  I had better images in mind, but I guess Google decided to get rid of every fucking image that makes fun of kids these days.

Here's the stickiest part of the wicket, folks.  We ain't exactly 90's kids.  Sorry, that's the double-truth, Ruth.  But neither are we 2000's kids.  There's no decade between 90's and the oughties.  So uh... what the fuck are we?

Shit.  I blew my own mind there.  Gonna go think about this for a while.  Might do a follow-up post where I actually answer my own questions for once.