Post About the VMAs (a.k.a. I Have No Pride)

'Bout that time again!  Yes, that time where I chain myself to a keyboard for a couple hours, subject you to a page or so of self-loathing and uninformed observations, all in the name of telling myself I'm a productive person.

...Hm.  Bummer note, eh?  Here's an absurdly happy dog.

I've been hearing a lot about these VMAs.  Like... Vehicle for Mediocre Antics or something, right?

Okay, so "ironic" humor's not my thing.  Yes, I know what the stupid freaking VMAs are.  I don't pay attention to them.  I pay them less attention than I do the Grammys.  That's not because I hate America or Miley Cyrus or "the mainstream" or just watching celebrities for a few hours.  It's fun, entertaining, mostly harmless.  Watching and enjoying shows like these isn't something to be criticized.

I just don't watch them because, well... what's a more intelligent way of saying "I don't wanna"?

There's some entertaining bits between awards.  Some of the winners deserve it, some of them don't.  There's flubs, gaffs, the magical antics of Kanye West, we get the drill.  For a schlub like me, the bulk of the entertainment comes from the ensuing social media outflow.  It's like hitting the drains after one great big honking mother of a storm; all kinds of crap washes out there, and some of it's actually pretty great.

For this week's post (or... one of them; maybe one of these days I'll actually get back to writing more than once a day), I've painstakingly collated data from various public channels into a set of uh...  Oh fer Christ, this is based entirely off my Facebook feed, okay?  It's a damn humor blog, kind of.  If you don't like it, there's the New Yorker.

5 Things To Expect From the Next VMAs

1. Lady Gaga will wear a dress made of live parrots.

I know, overdone.  But I'd really like to see this.  Was there even a thing about Lady Gaga at the Veemas this year?  Or was she out-crazied?

Assuming it still counts as crazy if it's totally pre-planned and inauthentic.

2. Someone else will try to pull an "I'ma let you finish" and promptly get popped in the face.

Then again, I don't think there's a lot of other Kanyes-in-waiting out there with the right balance of ego and batshittery (and a dash of cajones) that would try such a thing.  It would also have to be someone clinging to the final threads of relevancy, someone with so little pride they have to pull a horrible stunt that's somehow even worse for being done before.

Your time to shine, Billie.

3. I'll make another one of these stupid posts.

Cuz I'm really having trouble coming up with five things for this damnable post.

4. A barbershop quartet bit with Chris Brown, Kobe Bryant, Lil' Wayne, and Toby Keith.

Because if there's anything the VMAs love, it's hating women.

5. New category: The Video That Could Be Most Improved By Cameos From The Cast Of Jersey Shore

I don't actually know if the VMAs have categories.  That's how little I know about what I'm writing about.  But god damn it you know this should be a thing.  In the VMAs.  But like only the VMAs.  Please.

...

Well, that's enough phoning it in for one day.  Tune in next time for uh... something that isn't this.

Wonder^2 or, Another Title Involving Lots of W's That I (Falsely) Think Is Witty

'Bout that time, eh chaps?  'Bout that time for another One Hit Wonder Wednesday, if I do say so myself I is I is wot wot.

That's what I was saying to myself earlier today over a spot of tea, behind my monocle and luxurious power-stache.

Okay, so it's not that luxurious, but seriously: who else can pull off the moustache-atory like that?  Yeah, you know what I mean by "moustache-atory".  That's right.  With your younger sister.

Oddly, I had some trouble thinking of a right proper inclusion to the One Hit Wonder Wednesday family.  This was (is?) ridiculous, because the 90s are more full of awesome one-hit wonders than Mike Tyson.

Woops, wrong picture.

Too soon?

(Correct answer: no)

So I put on my thinking cap.  My thinking cap turned out to be a live raccoon.

Several stitches later, I got myself thinking about the title of this feature, One Hit Wonder Wednesday, all the words in it, trying to trigger some kind of association in my coffeeless office-worm brain.

Where are you, shitty pun?!  WHERE ARE YOOUUUUuuuu...

Then I got it:

I know, I know; in the music world as a whole, Oasis is not a one-hit-wonder band.  They are very well-known, they go on big tours and shit, and you actually know the names of at least two of the members.

Well... since they're brothers and you had to memorize a total of three different names, so we'll count them as a 1.5.  Not like they make two complete people anyway.

But name another real hit by Oasis, as in something that crossed over into the world of pop, anything near the level of notoriety that makes you hum the word "Wonderwall" in Liam Gallagher's grating and nasal caterwaul as soon as you read it.

Anyone who says "Champagne Supernova" gets a kick in the teeth.