Monument Part 2

So to make up at least a teeny tiny bit for that random garbage post about the Spin Doctors (and no, it is NOT the Spin Doctors that made it garbage, do not blaspheme; it's my total inability to budget time and other life-thingies), here's the second scene of that play from earlier.  At least one more post tonight.  Seriously, I'm going to stab myself with a pencil periodically to keep myself awake so I can do this.  Are there far more effective means of keeping oneself awake?  Surely.  Is this one the most fun?  You betcha.

Scene Two:

[Lights up.  Bang is once again sitting behind his drum set, looking agitated.  Slap is leaning against the wall between the drum set and the couch.  Shred is sitting on the couch.]

Shred: I just… [shrugs] I don’t wanna do it.

Slap: You just said-

Shred: No, I’ll do it, I just don’t want to be the one to do it.

Slap: Look, if I do it, it’ll be an even bigger mess.  He’ll be all ‘I always knew you hated me’ and I’ll have to be all-

Bang: Let it go, Slap.

[Slap and Shred turn to look at Bang.]

Bang: I’ll… I’ll fucking do it.  Just stop badgering her just cuz you’re too lazy.

[brief pause]

Slap: [taken aback] …Dude, what the hell?

[Bang gets up and hurries out of the room (stage right) past Slap.  Slap stares after him for a few seconds, angry.  He sits down on the amp in a huff.]

Shred: So um…  I smell like elephant.

[Slap looks at Shred like she’s insane.]

Shred: Oh fuck!  No, I mean, I smell an elephant.  Smell one.  Like… [points to her nose]

Slap: [laughs a little] You say it too?

Shred: Yeah. [beat] Too?

Slap: Yeah, Bang taught me that like right before you got here. [brief silence] You want a beer?

Shred: Oh, I really shouldn’t.

Slap: [shrugs] Suit yourself.

[Slap gets up and walks off stage left.]

Shred: [calling offstage] Slap!

Slap: Changed your mind?

Shred: No! [beat] Yeah!  But shouldn’t you ask Bang?

Slap: Milady, please. [sounds of beer-getting from offstage] When have I not been the master freeloader?  And when-oh-when… [walks back in, tossing Shred a beer, which she catches] have I respected Bang’s property? [sits back down on the amp and opens his beer]

Shred: Well, it’s not his house.

Slap: So why should he care? [takes a sip]

[Shred looks at the beer, setting it on the ground between her feet after a few seconds.  She looks back at Slap as he keeps sipping his beer.]

Slap: What?

Shred: Aren’t you two friends?

Slap: [huffs] Yes.  It was just a jab, okay?  I’d never do anything to fuck the guy.

Shred: [holds up her hands apologetically] Sorry; just asking.

[Slap goes back to drinking the beer, Shred goes back to staring.]

Slap: I’ll fire Screech.  I brought it up, I’ll do it.

Shred: That’s… surprisingly noble of you.

[Slap looks at Shred.  Shred smiles.]

Shred: He’ll appreciate it.

[Slap looks back at his beer, smiles, and takes a sip.  Brief silence.]

Slap: How well do you really know Bang?

Shred: You don’t think he will?

Slap: No, doesn’t have anything to do with that.  I’m just asking.

Shred: [shrugs] I dunno.  About as well as Screech by now.

Slap: So…  Like, enough to know that you like Bang more than Screech?

Shred: [gives Slap a very questioning look] That’s weird.

Slap: Never mind, never mind.  Forget it.  Forget I said absolutely anything.

Shred: Well, now you have to tell me.

Slap: No!  No I absolutely don’t!

[sounds of Bang coming down the stairs]

Shred: I swear to Christ if you say ‘absolutely’ one more time-

Slap: What the hell is it with you people and your trigger words?!

Shred: Just tell me dammit!

[Bang enters stage-right.  Slap and Shred look up at him quickly.]

Bang: …I smell an elephant.

[Shred starts giggling uncontrollably.]

Slap: How come I don’t get a catchphrase?

Bang: Because you touch yourself at night. [crosses over the stage by the drum set]

Slap: So?

Bang: SO?! [kicks Slap off the amp]

[Slap lays wedged between the wall and the amp, wheezing; Shred looks up at Bang, wide-eyed.]

Shred: Dude.

Bang: Oops.

Slap: [out of breath] You fucker.

[Bang and Shred start forward to help Slap; Bang gets there first, extending a hand in front of Slap.]

Bang: Sorry man.

Slap: I think I’m going into V-Tach.

Bang: Hey man, I can’t hold this forever.

Slap: Once it stops… you’re dead.  And I’m gonna kill you.

Shred: You two are insane, you know that?

[Bang helps up Slap; Slap straightens up and glares at him; brief silence.]

Bang: You said ‘so’. [Slap slaps him upside the head] It had to be done.

[Slap slaps him again; Bang starts laughing; Slap gives him a small shove before sitting down; Bang steps forward; he checks to make sure Slap won’t hit him before going around the drum set to sit down; brief silence]

Shred: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

[Bang and Slap look at her like she’s crazy.]

Slap: What are you talking about?

Shred: You just-

[Slap looks back at Bang; Bang twirls his finger by his head and makes cuckoo noises; Slap shakes his head and clucks his tongue disappointedly]

Shred: I hate boys. [picks up her beer and starts chugging]

Bang: [urgently] Why do you hate boys?

[Slap facepalms; Shred finishes her beer and tosses the can aside.]

Shred: What?

Bang: You um…  You said you hate boys, I uh… that seems like… something to see a therapist… for. [pause] Just asking.  Why you hate boys.

[Very long silence.]

Shred: You… think I’m a lesbian?

Bang: I don’t know.  Are you?

Slap: [under his breath] Dude, just stop talking.

Shred: …No?

Bang: I mean, I’m not calling you a lesbian; you just said that you hated-

[Knocking is heard off-stage.  Everyone freezes and looks to stage-right (towards the door) in surprise/fear.  There is a long silence where no one moves.  More knocking is heard, this time a bit louder.  Slap turns to Bang.]

Slap: I have always loved you.