Monument (Part 3 of 3)

WOOHOO!

Scene Three:

[Lights up.  Slap is sitting on the amp, looking anxious.  Screech is slumped on the couch.]

Screech: So then she said “Only the first time,” so I was [hand gesture] outta there. [pause] Came straight here.

Slap: [trying to be sincere] I’m sorry about that, man.

[Silence.  Slap is about to continue when Screech starts again.]

Screech: Three fucking years, man.  Three years. [looks Slap dead in the eye] I gave that cunt three years of my life.

Slap: Come on man, you’re young.

Screech: [yelling] Exactly! [pause] I’m…  Sorry.  But you… [huffs, ruffles his hair agitatedly] That’s just one little piece of what’s fucking me up so much.  We get a few years to be morons and I spent mine in a committed relationship.  I wasted my free pass, dude.

[Brief silence.]

Slap: You really think that?

Screech: Sure I do.  If I knew I’d get fucked this bad for trying to be grown up, I would’ve put it off four more years.

Slap: Like everyone else?

Screech: [shrugs] Why not. [pause] I wanted to be a kid. [pause] She was more important.

[Long silence.]

Slap: Well, I know you’re not looking for advice, but at times like these, I find it prudent to share some words of wisdom passed on by one great sage and forefather.  [stands up, takes theatrical stance] Bitches… ain’t shit… but hoes and tricks.

[Screech starts laughing]

Slap: Lick on these nuts!  And suck the dick.

[Bang pops in from stage right, clears his throat.]

Slap: Get the fuck out after you’re done, and I hop in my ride-

Bang: [barges in, clapping, talking fast] Hey yeah, great!  Hey Screech, you seem to be having a bad day, why don’t you grab a beer?  Like now?

Screech: Uh…  I don’t really-

Bang: Don’t be ridiculous!  My casa’s your casa, now go on, don’t be shy! [claps Screech on the back, pointing stage left]

[Screech gets up and walks off stage left, confused.  Bang watches him go, waiting until he’s out of sight.]

Slap: Dude, what the hell!  We were having a moment!

Bang: A moment?!  Don’t be ridiculous!  You hate the man, you said it yourself!  Just what are you trying to pull here, Erikson?

Slap: Look, he’s really-

[Slap stops to squint at Bang, scrutinizing him.]

Bang: Well?

Slap: Did you just call me ‘Erikson’?

Bang: Yes.

Slap: Why?

Bang: Seriously man?

Slap: What – yes I’m serious!  You’re being confusing again!

Bang: [gesturing] 1984! [pause] 1984?

Slap: Look – no.  I’m stopping you right there.  Before you eat my brain anymore, I’m picking up this conversation at its sanest point.

Bang: Party-pooper.

Slap: I don’t think I can do it, okay?  I wasn’t-

Screech: [calling from offstage] I can’t find it.  Can I come back now?

Bang: Keep looking, it’s a deep basement.  A lot of corners.

Slap: You hid the beer, didn’t you?

Bang: Maybe.

Slap: Just to set up this diversion.

Bang: Man’s gotta have a code.

Slap: [sighs] The one quote you ever get right and it’s not even in good context.  Are you proud of yourself?

Bang: Man, why you always picking on me?

Slap: Because you touch yourself at night.

Bang: Good point.

Slap: So how about you?  How’re things going up there?

Bang: [shrugs] They’re going.  Just talking. [beat] Why do you ask?

Slap: I thought you were… [gestures] You know.

[pause]

Bang: I don’t follow.

Slap: Like… [repeats gesture]

Bang: Dear god, what kind of man do you take me for?!

[Screech re-enters.]

Screech: Really, I checked everywhere.  It’s-

Bang: [points stage-left without taking his eyes off Slap] YOU WILL CHECK AGAIN.

[Silence.]

Slap: [turns to Screech] I don’t know either, man.

Screech: …Yeah, I’ll leave you two alone. [exits stage right]

Bang: [glares at Slap] You sicken me.

Slap: Bang.

Bang: Present.

Slap: Have you brought it up at all?

[Bang bites his lip, staring at Slap.  He then sits down on the couch with a sigh.]

Bang: No.

[Silence.  Slap sits down on the amp.]

Bang: Every time I think ‘yeah, I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do it; now’s your chance’, I…

[beat]

Slap: You what?

Bang: I think about how unrealistic it is.  I tell myself it’s not gonna happen, so then it doesn’t.

[Brief silence.]

Slap: Why do you think it’s unrealistic?

Bang: [shrugs] She’s younger.

Slap: So?  She’s legal.

[Bang looks at Slap humorlessly.]

Slap: Sorry.  I’m just saying, so what?

Bang: It’s four years, man.

Slap: Still abides by The Rule.

Bang: …Enlighten me.

Slap: Half your age plus seven.

[Pause as Bang “calculates” on his fingers.]

Bang: By Jove, you’ve done it.

Slap: See?  Given, she’s the lowest you can-

Bang: All right, that doesn’t really change anything though.  She’ll still think I’m creepy, I’m probably friend-zoned by now anyway, and what if it doesn’t work out?

Slap: Then-

Bang: Then the band’s fucked for sure.

Slap: Dude, so what?

[Bang stares down Slap, furious; Slap slowly realizes what he’s done.]

Slap: …Please don’t kill me.

Bang: It is taking every fiber in my being not to.

Slap: Let me-

Bang: ONLY… because you told me about The Rule. [pause] That is why you are still alive.

Slap: May I explain?  Please?

Bang: [inhales deeply] I shall consider it. [considers it] I shall allow it.

Slap: Okay… hear me out. [pause] There’s a good chance the band, in its current incarnation, ends tonight.

Bang: Maybe if you fired Screech like you said you would.

Slap: Look-

Bang: Which you still haven’t explained.

Slap: I know!  I know, dammit.  I chickened out, I get it.  He was feeling shitty, so I chickened out.

Bang: So you don’t hate him.

Slap: It was a lapse dammit!  I forgot to suppress my sense of humanity for a minute!  Won’t happen again.  Anyway.  We self-destruct the band.

[Silence]

Screech: [offstage] Hey, we kinda drank all the beer.

Bang: Fire him.

Slap: You got it.

[Slap walks off stage-right.  Bang remains sitting for a while, appearing to just be thinking to himself.  Eventually, he gets up and walks off stage-left.  He comes back a few seconds later, beer in hand.]

Bang: Heh.  Drank all the beer indeed.

[Bang starts chugging the beer.  Shred walks in from stage right.  She watches Bang for a second.]

Shred: Bang?

[Bang, surprised, spits out beer before looking at Shred.]

Bang: Yes please.

Shred: What?

Bang: I mean yes?

Shred: Uh…  Slap said you needed to talk to me about something?

[Long silence.  Bang drops the beer on the ground.  More silence.  Bang steps forward and looks out at the audience.]

Bang: I can’t believe this is really happening.  I guess it’s time to make a decision: Shred or the band.  Music’s the most important thing in my life, and the past three years I’ve done nothing but work towards my dream of being a rock star.  But for the first time in my life, I’ve found something that might not be worth losing.  If by-

Shred: Bang!

Bang: What?

Shred: Do you want me to call an ambulance?

Bang: No, why?

Shred: You were talking to a wall.

Bang: [narrows his eyes] Are you sure of what you saw?

Shred: Bang.

Bang: Yes.

Shred: Do you remember what you said?

[brief silence]

Bang: Maybe.

Shred: Bang.

Bang: Yes.

[Long silence.]

Shred: And you meant it?

[Bang nods.  Another long silence.]

Bang: Well…  I’ll be in the storage room.  Drinking the rest of the beer.  In the dark.  Don’t tell Screech.

[Bang turns toward stage left and starts to walk away.]

Shred: Bang.

Bang: [swallows] Yes?

[Long silence.]

Shred: I don’t know.

Bang: [looks back at Shred] Wanna join me?

Shred: In the storage room.

Bang: Yep.

Shred: Drinking beer.

[Bang nods.]

Shred: In the dark?

Bang: If you want.

[One last long silence.]

Shred: Couldn’t hurt.

[Bang and Shred walk off stage left together.  Lights out.]

FIN.